Rise of the Valkyrie: Strong-Willed Moms with Strong-Willed Daughters

If I had to predict in 2007 a topic that wouldn't be present on Baby Toolkit in 2008, it would be parenting girls. As a one boy household, it just seemed entirely out of our sphere.

But life is rarely what we expect... so here's one for all you parents with strong-willed girls out there...

My mom and I have a great relationship and with the notable exception of my teen years- always have. At least as far back as I can remember. A friend recently asked me:

Why do you think you and your mom avoided the natural conflict that so many mothers and daughters share?

My friend's daughter is strong-willed (which is a trait that can be an amazing strength in life) as is my friend. Reprimands and punishments for things like intentionally hurting her younger brother seem more like challenges and inspire outright defiance rather than obedience.

When I thought through her question, I came up with no good answer. As long as I can remember, my mom and I have gotten along. I can remember protesting naps (but staying in my room- glowering- through naptime), but that's about the only conflict I recall. So, I thought maybe it was just my mom (she's one of those magical people who does wonderfully with all kids plus she's a great elementary school teacher).

So when I asked her last night if there was anything special and intentional that set us on the right course, she stifled a laugh:

You bet there was.

Any image I imagined of myself as an innately easy child disappeared back into the realm of fantasy.

When I was around one, my older brother (then 2.5) and I decided to run into a busy street. We didn't listen to my mom and were quite resistant to returning to her. We both promptly received spankings upon being drug back to safety. It was my first. My brother was immediately contrite, but I stuck out my chin and my eyes glimmered with a defiance that said, "Ha! I am a big girl now."

Mom saw trouble on the horizon. Some of her friends were well-entrenched in constant conflict with their young daughters. That night she told Dad "Adrienne is strong-willed" and he would have to discipline me as she didn't want us to fall into a pattern of lifelong conflict.

My mom handled crowd control, manners, and the daily basics of toddler management, my dad was the one who dealt with the major issues. Mom knew that I wanted my dad to think me perfect (as many little girls do) and I would take his reprimands more to heart. He was immediately in charge of establishing/enforcing rules, enacting punishments, and showing disapproval. It must have worked because I was a pretty hassle-free kid after that. I tend to follow the rules or argue against them rather than disobey. It's funny because in retrospect I had no awareness of this discipline arrangement between my parents.

My mom's advice is that if a daughter expresses defiance towards her mother that her major discipline then be administered by her father. This works best when daughters and fathers have good, active relationships.

When I talked to my friend this morning (after emailing my mom's response last night), it looked like the same approach was already showing promise in their household.

Her daughter (after being made to stop hurting her brother) said, "Don't I get a time out?"

"Nope, I'm just writing it down so Daddy can talk to you about it tonight."

"Please don't write it down for Daddy. I don't want him to know I did that. Can I kiss [brother] and make it better?"

While I'm sure the kiss and apology were graciously accepted by her astounded brother, I am sure that our strong-willed toddler girl will still have a sit-down with Daddy tonight.

Other granny-related hacks:

• Whispers in the Storm: My Grandmother's Toddler Tantrum Secret
• Crafting With Crayons
  
• Apple-tizing: Slice Up Something Tasty
  

Whispers in the Storm: My Grandmother's Toddler Tantrum Secret

Vocally, Ranger can rival the wail of any storm siren. During his infancy we tried to weather the inevitable screaming without damage to our hearing or nerves. At two and half, we desperately needed an effective way to shut down his high decible screaming.

Ranger screams inconsolably when we had to leave the house or I couldn't fit a basketball into my pocket. Short of buying clown pants and never leaving home (though the former action may encourage the latter isolation), we needed a better solution.

We checked out a library copy of Harvey Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block, but I couldn't implement toddlerese or physically mirroring toddler tantrum behavior. I was embarrassed just watching the adults on the video. Such behaviors threatened my remaining vestiges of adulthood. It also seemed counterintuitive: don't we want our kids to eventually join the adult world rather than all of us moving to Planet Toddler? Needless to say, the video was returned long before its due date.

So Ranger wailed on- frightening livestock, deafening dogs, and sending people scrambling for storm shelters under clear skies... every time we ran out of yogurt or no, he could not watch Busytown.

My mom came over for one of these afternoon operatic solos. I don't remember the cause of the incident, but I was so embarrassed. My mom's a great elementary school teacher and a super-great mom, so it's mortifying that I can't get my son to stop screaming.

She's actually a second-generation super-great mom, but we'll get there in a minute.

So Mom took Ranger on a walk around the kitchen and he returned calm... and quiet?

It was amazing and mysterious.

Later, I decided to ask how such magic was accomplished.

Her reply- feel free to take notes:

It's something my mom used to do. You lean in really close and whisper "Ranger... Ranger... I want to tell you a secret. (long pause.) Do you want to hear my secret?"

So what's the secret?

It could be anything. "We're having pot roast and potatoes for supper." "I love taking walks with you." "When you put your shoes on, we'll go see Grandpa." "You're very special."

Seriously, that actually works?

Well, my mom was always able to distract me with it... well into my 20s.

Jim and I have been experimenting with this, and it seems to work with great consistency. The bigger the blowup, the more times you may need to quietly repeat the offer to tell a secret...

***This is the independent opinion of the geek parents at Baby Toolkit, (c) 2006-2008. We have no relationship with Harvey Karp (and little chance of one now, I suspect) and we happen to be closely related to and greatly esteem Ranger's Grandma who normally isn't selling anything beyond a love of Lewis & Clark, mathematics, and the Iditarod. Your mileage may vary.

Crafting with Crayons

Vegbee's gorgeous crayon shavings projects remind me of crafts my mom organized during my childhood. My brother and I would usually send our finished projects to our far-flung relatives.

I have some good memories of watching my mom iron sometime similar on a sunny winter afternoon.

Here are the Martha Stewart instructions Vegbee used.

What crafts projects do you remember? Which ones do your kids like?

Vegbee's "Time Change Madness' mobile is a great reflection of our house's post-time change nap chaos.

Anyone else hating the time change?

Apple-tizing: Slice Up Something Tasty

When our son started on solids, I found myself cutting apples a lot as he's carpophagus (not to be mistaken for coprophagous). When Jim noticed my apple-cutting technique he first said "Where did you learn this?"

I told him my mom always cuts my apples that way from infancy to well... now.

"You really are spoiled."

So, spoil your kids with delectable thinly sliced apples. I don't know if it's the greater surface area or the crunchiness of the thin chips- but kids dig apples sliced this way.

Peel the apple first if your kid's a prima donna about such things. Ranger is, but I left the peel on so the pictures didn't look like potatoes.

Cut alongside the core on the side away from your hand. Estimate where the core ends (I usually guess between 1/4 and 1/3 of the way from the stem to the edge).
Lay the apple on the cut side and slice on both sides of the core.

Lay the apple on a flat side (preferably with a core side toward your holding hand). Slice off the remaining non-core chunk.


Check to make sure you didn't get to close to the core- like I did on one side (see the seeds?).


But the roughage (extra fiber) is easily cut away.
Then slice your apple chunks to thin or wafer-thin.
Enjoy!

This style of cutting is great for some toddlers because it takes them longer to eat the slices. It makes a great time-consuming (for them, not you) snack. It also can extend a single apple among a greater number of kids in those didn't-get-to-the-grocery pinches.